The other day I received a call from a friend who shared with me how stressed he was feeling.
“You don’t have to feel stressed,” I replied. “What do you mean I don’t have to feel stressed? I don’t really have a choice.” he reply. “Yes, you do. Stress is a choice. You can choose not too feel stressed.” “What do you mean stress is a choice? I just lost my job. Isn’t that stressful? What choice do I really have?” I explain, “It depends on how you look at it. Although we don’t necessarily have a choice in what happens to us, we do have a choice in how we respond to it. It is unfortunate that you lost your job, but you can choose to not be stressed.”
There was silence on the other line, which is the usual response I get when explain this concept. Stress is something that most people believe is a normal part of life. Most of us are rushing and stressing out about this and that. No one, until now, has ever taught us that we have a choice in the matter. Most of us believe that we are victims in what happens to us. For example, most of us are feeling stressed due to the state of our economy times because we are reacting to the headlines in the news, our shrinking 401Ks and lay-offs. We feel powerless against these external factors. However, by understand that stress is a choice and assessing our thoughts and feelings about our stressors, these are the first steps in feeling empowered during these difficult times.
Although we do not consciously choose to be stressed, we are unaware that we have a choice in how we are react to situations. That is why we often time react with worry, anger, frustration and a myriad of other negative feelings. However, when we become conscious of this process, we can make a choice whether or not we will become stressed. Stress is not the situation, such as the state of our economy, per se, but how we perceive and react to the situation. It is important to remember, that events that happen are emotionally neutral in nature; however, each of us attaches meaning to these events. This meaning or how we appraise the situation evokes a feeling of distress.
Therefore, we need to take ownership over our thoughts and feelings, which is part of the process of empowerment. When we understand this, stress is not inevitable and we are no longer victims to our circumstances. Stress is then a result of our response to a situation, which we appraise with our beliefs. Because we can change how our beliefs, we can change how we react to situations, which means that we can choose not be stressed. However, often times, our emotional response is automatic, but we do have a moment to stop and pause and assess how we think and feel about the situation. Through practice, you can become aware of how you react to stress and learn how to slow down this emotional process.
Let’s look at some common thought processes that occur that create feelings of stress. If you were laid off, you can believe that this is horrible thing. You become stressed because you don’t want to accept your situation as it is. It is your expectations and desires, such as believing that you should have a job or that it is unfair to be laid off, that is creating stress. However, to be empowered during this time, it is important to let go of your expectations and desires and accept the present.
This does not mean that you do not try to change your circumstance, such as looking for another job, but it means that you can find peace within your present circumstances and make changes without feeling stressed because being stressed is not productive. You can find peace of mind when you can see the reality of your current situation without judgment; appreciating what is instead of lamenting for what isn’t. It is important to keep in mind that you and your life are exactly how they are supposed to be at the present time. This may be a difficult idea to grasp during a time of adversity, however, it is important to keep in mind that there is a reason the universe has created the situation you are in right now. Instead of judging it, understand that at some time, you will understand the lesson that is to be learned. A thought to keep in mind and something that I continually remind myself of is, “My life is (or I am) perfect with all of its (my) imperfections. I have exactly everything I need right now. My life is exactly how it needs to be at the present.”
Another cause of distress is that we tend to project into the future. We feel anxious when we think; “What will happen if I can’t find another job,” or “How will I pay my bills in the future?” However, even during a crisis, it is important to live in the moment. You need to do what you can, in the moment, because that is really all you can do. All you can do in the moment is act, such as start a job search, without worrying about the future. It is not that we should not prepare for the future, but feeling anxious about the future is not productive.
We sometimes tend to worry about the future because on some level, it sounds like we are doing something active. I am worrying about it, therefore, I am doing something – worrying. Worrying about a situation, especially one that does not exist (because the future does not exist), just is not rational. We also get stressed because we want to control our situation. However, we have all heard the serenity prayer “Grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference,” but do we really know what this means and are we putting it into practice?
Let’s examine the serenity prayer. “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,” which is the world around me; in fact it is everything but me. “…change the things I can,” which means how I look at things and react to the external world. “…and the wisdom to know the difference,” which means to continually understand that I have no control over anything except me. If we learn to relinquish control over external factors, we can remain empowered. Therefore, an important life lesson is to accept external events which we cannot control. The only thing that we can control is ourselves and how we react to situations, which is very different than the messages we received from the world around us. We spend most of our physical and emotional energy trying to have an impact on our universe, yet never having control over ourselves. However, it is empowering to understand that we can control our reaction to things and we can choose to relinquish our desires.
Next time, you are faced with a situation that causes you to feel stressed, whether it is anger, sadness, anxiety, etc. Pause. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are in control of this feeling and feeling stressed in not productive. Identify the thought that preceded the emotion. Once you start seeing the origins of stress provoking thoughts, you can start to realize that they are no longer accurate or productive and you can challenge and change this way of thinking. When adversity strikes, it is important to be centered and patient.
The questions to ask yourself are “Am I going to allow external circumstances to have this power over my life? Am I going to allow this situation to compromise my wellbeing? Am I going to lose sleep over this?” We can stop and think, “I have control here. I am not going to allow external factors dictate how I run my life.” Oftentimes, we learn our most valuable lessons in the face of adversity and instead of fighting it, you can learn to be still and wait for the lesson that is to be learned. Centering brings strength to reach within instead of getting caught up in what is happening outside. Training yourself to slow down is quite helpful in taking control over yourself and your life. When you learn to slow down, you take control of yourself, instead of letting external factors dictating how you should lead your life.
Ideally, once you have figured that stress is a choice, you can actually begin to live stress free. The next time something happens that triggers a stress provoking thought, you can decide if
you are going to feel stressed or not. You will be surprised at how powerful you are going to feel!
Dr. Christina Samycia is the author of Discovering Inner Peace: A psychological, philosophical and spiritual perspective. She is a practicing psychotherapist, life coach, and speaker. To learn more, visit the author’s web site at: http://www.inspirationalliving.org
Author: Christina Samycia
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